I have decided to stick with love, hate is too great a burden to bear.
Dr Martin Luther King Jr
I started posting this on twitter but felt i needed to bring it here and add to it . This is in a few categories because I think it warrants it . Please bare with me. I think with sharing my worries it may help others going thru it .. I certainly hope so!
Ok well i will vent something out, apparently just after i left for work earlier tonight Ray hurt his back,he suffered thru it .He didn’t call me and what’s worse when our son got home from work with Emma tonight he did NOT tell him either! It frustrates me when he does this!!
And he didn’t tell me until he was just about to go to bed either …
You all must think I am ready for ‘men in white coats’ to come take me away eh? Sometimes I wonder too .. I need to start using my blog again to put these thing down . I really do love him but im so scared of coming home and finding him lying on the floor or worse.
I know each day I am still grateful to have him… After 28 years married i don’t know how i am going to carry on alone .. (yeah i know i have my kids etc .. it’s not the same) ..I have to remind myself to just live in the present and not worry about that too much right now.
The past two months I have been one huge ball of anxiety mixed with bitterness and anger added onto it .. I have been lashing out at people too .. both at home, work and online . And my patience with others was not as it usually is …(well it’s still not the best to be truthful) .. I may read my friends posts on FB and Twitter but i haven’t commented or liked a lot of them .. I feel like i really do not want to infuse my negativity on them .
I even ended up taking my anger out on my son .. now he has been feeling depressed too so we did it to each other …
It didn’t seem very fair to do that to people i really do care about and they have been very patient and understanding with me . But some of them are going thru some tough times of their own and i don’t wish to add to that with my own problems.
So i am going to try to take each day at a time and be grateful for what i do have and can accomplish .. I have to stop feeling like I am useless ( and i feel quite invisible sometimes too)
All of this had left Ray feeling quite sad and depressed too .. and when we saw his Neurologist a week ago she could see it with both of us. She is referring Ray to get accessed for homecare, ( She strongly told Ray .. ‘Your Wife needs help’ !!) She is also setting us up with a Social Worker in their department to see what they do can do to help both of us manage our depression and anxiety. Now these referrals may take a few weeks ( could be just before the end or into January of 2020 before we get any replies … but knowing its in the works has helped me feel a bit better about it)
Ray’s reluctantly agreed to do all this but i can tell he as misgivings … but I have gotten to the point where i need to tap into resources to manage this .. I cannot do this on my own anymore, and to be truthful I have done it must longer than I should have ..
I left this open for edit.
Weds afternoon we got a call from Homecare. They are coming Dec 3rd to discuss, and implement a care plan for Ray, and to give me small breaks as well. Any small thing will help! …
To be continued …